OH, Sandusky!!! Fantasy Football — Est. 2017
Est. MMXVIIAbdication Edition

The Sandusky Tribune

The Official Record of OH, Sandusky!!! — Printed Under the Watchful Eye of Jerry Sandusky

Vol. X, No. IITuesday, July 7, 2026 · Brigham City, UtahPrice: Free, as is the FAAB

A Nation Humiliated · A Commission Surrendered · A Power Passed in Secret

The Commission

The Commissioner Abdicates

Citing the humiliation of the Republic on Monday night futébol, Caden Diderickson surrenders the gavel — and discloses, in a final paragraph, that its powers were already handed to Drake Oldham. In secret. As an experiment.

By Kyle Andrus · Tribune Staff · former commissioner

Caden Diderickson in a hooded puffer jacket and cap, smirking at the camera, rendered as a vintage newspaper halftone
Caden Diderickson, in the last known photograph taken while he still held the powers. The Tribune notes the expression of a man who had, by then, already given them away.

BRIGHAM CITY — The commissionership of OH, Sandusky!!! is vacant. Or it is occupied. Both readings are presently available, and the league is availing itself of both. On Tuesday a letter over the signature of the Chubby Chasers — the standard of Commissioner Caden Diderickson — declared the office surrendered, effective immediately, in consequence of Monday evening's events on the futébol pitch.

The letter does not equivocate about its causes. "Yesterday, our nation suffered a humiliation," it reads. "For the first time in our great nations history, the USA was decimated by a foreign nation on the holy night that is Monday night futébol."

The Tribune notes, for the permanent record, that Mr. Diderickson did not play in the match, did not coach the side, and holds no position of any kind with the federation. He has resigned anyway. "I am ashamed and humiliated that God's blessed lands suffered this travesty on my watch as commissioner of the Free Sandusky fantasy football league," he writes. This paper possesses no charter for any body called the Free Sandusky fantasy football league. It has elected to assume he means us.

“I surrender my powers.”— The Chubby Chasers, instrument of abdication

On the mechanics of departure the letter is emphatic, if not strictly grammatical. Mr. Diderickson pledges to "own the consequences as commissioner of this fine league, acknowledge my shortcomings, and secede my rule as commissioner of this great league." The copy desk observes that to secede is to withdraw from a union, while to cede is to give a thing up, and has concluded after deliberation that the Commissioner intends both.

There is gratitude in the document. "I am grateful for the opportunity to have served this fine league," Mr. Diderickson writes. "It was a true honor." Of his plans in private life he is equally direct: "I hope to return to my roots— making memes about the league and talking shit."

Readers of the solstice number will recognize the ambition. Mr. Diderickson announced the same retirement to this paper barely three weeks ago, describing meme-making at the time as honest work. His retirement plans, unlike his commission, have proven durable.

It is the letter's final movement that carried the league past mourning and into what constitutional scholars would call, if the league retained any, a crisis. "Also, there is something that you all should know…" it begins — and what follows is reported in full under Succession, this page.

As of press time, no member of the league had been reached for comment, principally because the Tribune did not attempt to reach any. The gavel itself could not be located.

Succession

Oldham Holds the Powers “In Everything Except Name”

The gavel was not dropped. It was slipped, some time ago, into another man’s coat.

By The Tribune Desk

Drake Oldham in profile, eyes lowered in contemplation, rendered as a vintage newspaper halftone with sparkle ornaments
Drake Oldham, contemplating the powers. Mr. Oldham has made no public statement. The photograph, the Tribune submits, is statement enough.

The abdication, it turns out, was the second act. "I decided it would be fun to see what happens if I just gave Drake the commissioner powers," Mr. Diderickson writes in the letter's closing paragraph. "He is now commissioner of the league in everything except name! Congrats Drake!"

Mr. Oldham — proprietor of the Emporium, assessed in this paper's solstice scouting report as a man who can smell a sponsorship from three turns away — now holds the whole track. He has made no public statement. The letter, anticipating this, frames his situation as an open question: "Will he name himself commissioner against the will of the league? Or will he allow the league to decide how we proceed?"

The letter's author does not pretend to neutrality on that question. "Personally, I really want him to take the power against the will of the league," Mr. Diderickson writes. "Drake please do it."

In the same breath, he petitions for a resistance: "Carl or someone please be against this." Mr. Clark — who answers to Carl, Carlos, Carla, and Tin Man — had announced no position at press time under any of those names. Mr. Diderickson is thus the first man in league history to commission a coup and its opposition in consecutive sentences.

The passage closes with what the Tribune believes to be the most reluctant endorsement ever entered into the record: "(Drake would do a good job)."

The Sandusky Tribune is published at the solstice and whenever the league gives it reason. All quotations are real. All grievances are eternal. Maintained under the watchful eye of Jerry Sandusky.