Dite vs Drake

The commissioner believes in special teams. In Round 10 he took Brandon Aubrey, the earliest kicker selection in six years. In Round 11 he took the Houston Texans defense, a full round before anyone else in the league decided a defense was worth a pick. On Sunday, Aubrey scored 2, and the Texans gave up 36 points to Buffalo and scored −4. The Tribune’s house philosophy holds that it’s all zero if you don’t think about it. Drake’s special teams finished below zero, which takes real effort.

Drake won anyway, 115.46 to 106.06, on Ashton Jeanty (32.7), Zay Flowers (26.0) and a Monday-night 9.9 from Rashee Rice. Christian McCaffrey and De’Von Achane, the first two picks of his draft, combined for 24.4. The Emporium kept its usual inventory of second receivers on the shelf: Ladd McConkey, Terry McLaurin, Brian Thomas Jr. and Michael Pittman Jr. all sat, and Chuba Hubbard outscored every one of them with 23.7. By all-play Drake had a 3–4 week and a 1–0 record, the widest gap between merit and result in the league.

The −4 is not a record. The record is −11, set by the 2021 Jets defense, and it also belongs to Drake, so the commissioner is improving. His Jets beat Tennessee 23–10 on Sunday, and with the Giants’ win both New York teams opened with a victory for the first time since 2009. Drake’s preseason power rankings, compiled by the league’s self-appointed Historian and Best Player, had Drake first. He is 1–0. He will call that vindication. The all-play table calls it 3–4.

Dite did most things right. Bijan Robinson gained 173 yards and scored 31.3, including the only touchdown Cooper Rush threw all day, making him the rare Falcon to profit from Tua’s absence. Lamar Jackson added 24.96, and Kyren Williams scored the Rams’ only touchdown in Melbourne on his way to 15.5. Drake London and Davante Adams combined for 11.1.

The lineup is where it went wrong. Matthew Golden scored 15.5 on Dite’s bench. Start him over London and the final is 116.06 to 115.46, and this becomes a story about a commissioner losing to the man he replaced. Brock Bowers, drafted early by Dite once again, opened the season on injured reserve. The Chargers defense scored zero. Quinshon Judkins had 7.0 as Dite’s Browns lost 34–10, on the same afternoon the Packers blew a 12-point lead, a hard day for Thomas’s campaign to convert him.

Drake and Dite also work at the same company, which this league has formally classified as a war profiteering operation. The Emporium and the Chubby Chasers are funded by the same conflicts, and the loser has to see the winner at work. Their series is tied 9–9. Drake plays Cliff in Week 2. Dite plays Kyle and should check his bench first.