The Sandusky Tribune

Kyle scored 182.06, the ninth-highest regular-season total in league history, and beat Dite by 65.96, the widest margin the two have ever produced against each other. He is 2–0 and 14–0 in all-play, and his two-week total of 357.86 is 2.24 points short of the best start ever, Drake’s in 2020. Three of the nine highest regular-season scores in league history now belong to the Obliterators. Four other teams have started 12–2 or better in all-play; none finished better than 10–4.

Jaxon Smith-Njigba caught nine passes for 155 yards and three touchdowns in Seattle’s 31–7 win at Arizona, including an 82-yarder from Drew Lock, and scored 42.5, the best game by any player this week. Trey McBride was on the other sideline in that game, catching eight passes for Kyle too. Amon-Ra St. Brown had 142 yards and two touchdowns in Detroit’s loss at Buffalo, and Dak Prescott threw four touchdowns against Washington, two of them to Thomas’s CeeDee Lamb, and passed Tony Romo for the Cowboys’ career record. Omarion Hampton ran for 94 yards and a touchdown, and lost a fumble at midfield with the Chargers down three. The Rams defense, dropped by Thomas on Thursday and claimed on Friday, scored 11. Cameron Dicker hit the right upright from 58 yards and finished with 1.0, the lowest kicker score in the league, on the winning side by 66.

The only precedent for this start is Cliff in 2022. Cliff opened that season 7–0, 7–0, 7–0 in all-play, the longest perfect start on record, then scored 87.56 in Week 4, went 0–7, and finished 8–6. Jordan won the title. Kyle plays Drake next week; one more 7–0 ties Cliff’s mark.

Dite had the fourth-best score in the league and lost by 66. Davante Adams, a sixth-round pick, caught eight passes for 195 yards and two touchdowns on Monday night, the most receiving yards by anyone in the NFL this season, for 39.5. He is the reason Dite finished at 116.10 and went 4–3 against the field. Kyren Williams scored the Rams’ third touchdown and lost a fumble. Lamar Jackson threw for 235 yards in a home loss to New Orleans. Bijan Robinson ran 16 times for 72 yards in what the Atlanta press called a home humiliation against Carolina, and was pulled late.

The Carolina receiver who helped humiliate him was Jalen Coker, whom Dite claimed on Tuesday for $16, one dollar more than Cliff bid, and then benched. Coker caught eight passes for 66 yards and 14.6 behind Matthew Golden, 9.8. Last week Dite benched Golden at 15.5 and it cost him the game. He has now been wrong about Golden in both directions in consecutive weeks. Michael Mayer, added on September 10, dropped on the 15th and re-added on the 20th, started at tight end and scored 5.3. The Buccaneers defense, a $6 claim, scored 4.

Dite is 0–2 with a 5–9 all-play record, the same 5–9 as Drake, who is 1–1; Drake’s extra win came against Dite. The two work at the same company, which the league classifies as a war profiteering operation, and their combined 218.3 points this week were 36 short of what Kyle scored alone. The Kyle–Dite series is level at 9–9 after Dite had won three straight. Kyle plays Drake in the Obliterate Bowl. Dite plays Cliff on the way home from Lambeau, where both of them will have spent Thursday night watching Dite’s Falcons.

Thomas Lea lost his first game in the league by 9.78 points, and the log says he gave the game away on Thursday. Early that morning he dropped the Rams defense and picked up the Chiefs. On Friday, Kyle claimed the Rams off waivers for nothing. The Rams held the Giants to 6 points and 182 yards on Monday night in Aaron Donald’s first game back and scored 11 for Kyle. The Chiefs gave up 30 to Indianapolis and scored 1 for Thomas. Twelve of those 30 points came on Jonathan Taylor touchdown runs; Taylor plays for Thomas. The Memorial’s defense allowed two touchdowns to the Memorial’s running back, and the Memorial lost by less than the defense it cut went on to score.

Jordan scored 153.22 a week after scoring 154.76 and losing. Josh Allen threw three touchdowns and ran for two more in Buffalo’s 41–31 win over Detroit, the first game at the new stadium, and scored 40.82, the best quarterback game in the league by 11 points. Allen is at 76.5 through two weeks, more than any player anyone owns. DeVonta Smith caught 10 passes for 117 yards and a touchdown. Jaylen Waddle, who scored 1.2 at flex in Week 1, caught eight for 138 and scored 21.8. Kenneth Walker, in Kansas City’s overtime win over the Colts, had 178 yards from scrimmage and scored 23.8. Drake’s Week 1 column allowed that Walker was a better pick than he had thought. He was in the same game as Taylor, on the other side, and outscored the Chiefs defense by 22.8 on his own.

The bench decisions ran the other way for once. Jordan started Mike Evans, whom he benched in Week 1 at a cost of the game, and Evans scored 8.4. He left 3.0 on the bench in total, the tightest lineup in the league. His waiver week was a $0 claim on the 49ers defense, which scored 9, and a lost $6 bid on Dalton Kincaid, who scored 22.5 for Cliff. Tucker Kraft, the tight end Jordan started instead, caught two passes for 15 yards and fumbled.

Thomas had the second-best score of the week. CeeDee Lamb caught eight passes for 153 yards and two touchdowns from Dak Prescott, who plays for Kyle, in a 37–20 win over Washington that made Prescott the Cowboys’ all-time touchdown leader. Jonathan Taylor scored twice for 29.2. Chris Olave, the inherited keeper, caught eight passes and a touchdown for 22.6 and is at 50.8 for the season. Jayden Daniels, started this week over Justin Herbert after the reverse call cost nothing in Week 1, threw for 96 yards against Dallas and ran for 69, and beat Herbert 14.74 to 7.88.

George Kittle caught four passes for 80 yards and a touchdown on Thomas’s bench, 18.0, behind Mark Andrews, 10.9. Tee Higgins had 95 yards there, 14.5, behind Jeremiyah Love, 7.5. Either swap alone does not flip the game; both together do, and so does the defense. His best possible lineup was 157.54. He scored 143.44, and for the second week the Memorial had the most points left on the bench of any loser.

This was the first meeting between these two. Jordan has scored 307.98 points and allowed 307.36, the most exactly average 1–1 the league has produced. Thomas is 1–1 with the third-most points in the league, which is where Rob’s teams never were. Jordan plays Carl next. Thomas plays Mitch.

In August the commissioner published a scouting report on his own roster. It may be the strongest team the league has ever seen, he wrote, with juggernauts at running back, the undisputed best defense, kicker and bench, and only injuries could derail it. Two weeks in, the Emporium is 1–1, sixth in scoring, and has lost to a team that went 0–7 against the field the week before.

The injury that derailed it was to a quarterback Drake did not own in August. Jaxson Dart was the last pick of the draft, by Jordan, who cut him before Week 1. Dart threw three touchdowns for the waiver wire that Sunday night, and Drake paid $10 to claim him, dropped Brian Thomas Jr. to make room, and moved him into the lineup over Joe Burrow. On Saturday night he added a third quarterback, Brock Purdy, and dropped Tyreek Hill. On Monday night Dart hurt his left knee on the Giants’ first drive and finished 3 of 5 for 20 yards, or 0.8 points. Purdy, on the bench, completed 20 of 22 passes against Miami, eighteen of them in a row, ran for a touchdown and scored 28.48 before the 49ers pulled him from a 35–13 game. Burrow, also on the bench, threw two touchdowns for 16.18. Either backup wins by double digits.

The rest of the scouting report held up in places. Brandon Aubrey made a 50-yarder and four extra points for 16, the best kicker score in the league. The bench scored 74.66, also the best in the league. Christian McCaffrey scored twice for 22.6. Ashton Jeanty, the other juggernaut, carried 21 times for 48 yards. Ladd McConkey had 6.5. Zay Flowers did not play, and the Texans defense, after a −4 in Week 1, produced a 7, which is progress.

Cliff won because his Tuesday waiver claim was better than Drake’s. He bid $18 for Dalton Kincaid, Jordan bid $6, and Kincaid caught seven passes for 95 yards and a touchdown in the Bills’ 41–31 home opener over Detroit. Cliff also had James Cook (21 carries, 135 yards, a touchdown) for Buffalo and Jahmyr Gibbs (113 yards from scrimmage, a touchdown) for Detroit, three starters in the same game and 66.7 points out of it. Sam LaPorta, playing for Detroit too, scored 17.2 on his bench, and Kyle Pitts, who sat this week, scored 2.5 there. Drake Maye threw an interception in a Patriots win over Pittsburgh and scored 8.02, one week after 9.82. The Moth Observer wrote that he did not know how to unpack Maye at quarterback. Nobody does.

Drake ranked Cliff eighth in his Week 1 column and predicted the trade requests would get more desperate by the week. Cliff has not requested a trade. Drake has now spent $35 of his $100 budget on MarShawn Lloyd, who has 12.3 points in two weeks, and Dart, who has 0.8. The dental bet between these two, free dental for life against free résumé reviews for life, remains unsettled; this week it leaned toward the dentist.

Cliff is 1–1 and 3–11 in all-play, outscored by everyone except the one man who started the wrong quarterback. Drake is 1–1 and 5–9, and his best lineup, 134.48, wins this game by 21; three of the four losers this week could say the same, and he is the one who wrote the scouting report. By Tuesday morning the log showed Purdy moved into the Emporium’s Week 3 lineup, in time for the Obliterate Bowl against Kyle. Cliff plays Dite.

The Broken Club Bowl set three league records on Sunday and nobody in it scored 82 points. Carl’s 81.92 is the lowest winning score in any regular-season game since the league began, beating Rob’s 88.04 from 2020. Mitch’s 70.46 is the lowest Week 2 score ever. The combined 152.38 is the lowest total two full lineups have ever produced. The Tribune’s card on the ugliest wins in league history went out on Sunday morning. It was out of date by Sunday night.

Carl won with two receivers and a kicker. Ja’Marr Chase caught two touchdowns from Joe Burrow, who was on Drake’s bench, and scored 26.5. Garrett Wilson added a touchdown for 16.7. Evan McPherson, found on waivers in Week 1, made two field goals and two extra points for 12, which is more than Saquon Barkley, J.K. Dobbins, Colston Loveland and Malik Nabers scored combined. Barkley took one carry in Nashville, went to the locker room with a stinger, and finished with 9 yards on four. Loveland caught one pass for 3 yards in a 9–3 loss to Minnesota in which Caleb Williams threw for 138 yards, an interception, and a hamstring. Nabers, moved into the flex on Tuesday in place of George Pickens, caught one pass for one yard after his quarterback left on the first drive Monday night. Pickens scored 10 on the bench.

Mitch scored 163.92 in Week 1. The drop of 93.46 is the largest week-to-week fall by a team that started nine players, and Mitch held the old record too, from last year. Justin Jefferson caught three passes for 55 yards in a game Minnesota won 9–3. Derrick Henry got five second-half carries in a Ravens loss to New Orleans and finished with 17.7. Jalen Hurts threw two interceptions before the two-minute drive that beat Tennessee. Puka Nacua did not play. DJ Moore took one carry for minus one yard, sprained his shoulder, and finished at −0.1, the fifth negative score by a skill-position starter in this league since 2018. Mitch owns two of the five. Drew Brees, 2019, was the other.

The tight end is a separate matter and has its own desk in this edition. The short version: with three on the roster, Mitch benched the one who had just scored 4.1, started the one who had scored 23.7, and got 1.4. Harold Fannin Jr. caught five passes for 54 yards on the bench. The Moth Observer had congratulated Mitch in print for taking Fannin out of the lineup.

The FAAB King has not placed a waiver bid this season. Neither has Carl, who is the only other manager with $100 still in the drawer. Between them they have made no claims and produced the lowest-scoring game in league history.

Mitch’s best possible lineup was 90.26. It beats Carl’s actual score by 8.34, so this goes down as a game the bench won. Mitch had won the last three meetings, including 152.8–86.6 in this same Week 2 slot a year ago. The series is 10–8, Mitch. Carl plays Jordan next. Mitch plays Thomas in the one game on the schedule nobody has named.